Let me start out by saying that I genuinely love being a parent. But it is a job. And it’s not always a job I enjoy doing. I am a stay-at-home-parent (SAHP). It is one of my literal jobs. I figure I get “paid” the same as what it would cost to send my four kids to daycare. And for all of those working parents out there, you know that childcare is about the same as a monthly mortgage/rent. And, much like parents who work out of the home, I don’t always enjoy my job. Admitting that has been one of the best things I could have done for myself as a parent thus far. I don’t always like my job! I don’t always like being a mom! You want to know why? Because IT IS HARD!
I recently saw a meme that really struck a chord with me. I mean it REALLY resonated with me. It shook me to my parent core to see this exhaustive list spelled out. YES! This is what it feels like I have to live up to every day! My blood pressure rose as I read item after item, my anxiety started to amp up, my breathing became panicked. Why? Because parenting is stressful and my body feels stressed every single day!
It was entitled How to Be a Mom in 2019, and it said:
“Make sure your children’s academic, emotional, psychological, mental, spiritual, physical, nutritional, and social needs are met while being careful not to overstimulate, underestimate, improperly medicate, helicopter, or neglect them in a screen-free, processed foods-free, plastic-free, body positive, socially conscious, egalitarian but also authoritative, nurturing but fostering of independence, gentle but not overly permissive, pesticide-free two-story, multilingual home preferably in a cul-de-sac with a backyard. Also, don’t forget the coconut oil.”
I was blown away. This is a nightmarishly overwhelming list. And this is what it feels like for me right now. And I’m guessing it feels like this for you too.
We recently had our fourth baby. We love her to the moon, and I would never send her back, but I feel like I have to learn how to parent all over again. And I kind of do, because now I have to figure out how to handle four kids all day long. And I have to meet them where they’re at. And I feel like I have to do all of those things listed above, and them some. And IT IS HARD!
I don’t think anyone ever told me that parenting would be easy. In fact, a lot of people told me it would be hard. I just never realized HOW hard it would feel. I thought I knew everything about how to be a parent - until I became one. And then it seemed like everything I did know flew right out the window. Because it doesn’t matter how many parenting books or blogs you read, or how many mom groups you join, or parenting classes or workshops that you attend. You are never going to find a one-size-fits-all set of rules/standards/guidelines. Well, I haven’t found it yet. So, if you do please let me know!
I have found a bunch of tips and tricks from this website here, and that book there, and this class I took last year, and I’ve mushed them all together into this hodge podge of parenting 101 that kind of works for my family, well, at least it did six months ago, but now I have a five-year-old and a new born and two other kids squished somewhere in there middle there, and I haven’t slept in seven weeks, and I barely make it out of pajamas every day. I can’t remember the last time I showered so I’m probably due, but it doesn’t matter cuz I’ll be covered in breastmilk, banana fingers and peanut butter smooches roughly five minutes after I stop typing this. And the parenting my two-year-old needs is definitely not the same parenting my newborn needs, which is also different than the parenting my four-year-old needs, and that type of parenting need will likely change in roughly four hours because or four days because he’s a Gemini and I have no clue which of his personalities I’ll be interacting with this afternoon.
And if I’m going to be really real, I’ll tell you about the time I tried going to the bathroom the other day, and ended up breastfeeding on the toilet cuz the baby wouldn’t stop crying and I could not wait another moment for myself. While I was doing this, my other three kids came in periodically and asked me all sorts of questions such as, can you help with this, and can you fix that, and I want a snack this moment! It clearly didn’t register with them that I was a little bit preoccupied with my pants around my ankles and a baby on my body.
And it was really a great opportunity for me to realize how helpless I feel sometimes; how overwhelmed I feel with their constant demands; how invisible I feel to my children and to others. I mean, I’m doing the best I can over here! I’m trying to meet my own needs, but none of my kids seems to notice or even care about that. But just realizing that I feel helpless, overwhelmed, and at times, invisible, also made me realize that I need to be louder about boundaries. Perhaps I’ll lock the bathroom door next time and just listen to the pounding on the other side.
I was also recently painfully self-aware when I started sobbing while watching a nature show. A little background… With the arrival of baby, we have had more screen time than I care to admit. It’s not always the best solution, but it is A solution, and it works. I justify it to myself by occasionally putting on nature shows so they’re learning something right? Well, I found a moment to sit down and join them, which was great. Until I see this cheetah running as fast as she can after a gazelle. And it is literally a life and death moment. The cheetah is giving it everything she’s got, and she misses the gazelle. I couldn’t help myself. I just started crying and crying and crying. Because I am that cheetah! I am giving this parenting thing everything I’ve got. I am trying and trying and trying. I am going full speed every day to try and do this “right.” And it feels like life and death to me. I am responsible for keeping these kids alive! I am responsible for making sure they turn out to be productive, successful members of society. I am responsible for how they view themselves and how they treat others. It feels like it is too big of a job. And it feels like I am falling short, just like the cheetah, every day.
So, what can we do as parents to feel differently about our “job?” For me, it is firstly admitting that I don’t always like my job and that it’s okay to feel that way. Sometimes I feel helpless. Sometimes I need to re-draw my boundaries. Some days I feel invisible and unappreciated. Some days are just not awesome. The silver lining to this is that it helps to teach resilience. If you’re not having an awesome day that means you’re human, sometimes that happens and IT’S OKAY!
Secondly, being aware enough to know that the demands or expectations for parents these days are
1) unreasonably overwhelming and
2) subject to change, sometimes on a daily basis.
Who came up with that list in the first place? Who determines what “good” parenting is and isn’t? Your family is unique, your children are unique. What works for one child or one family is not what is going to work for another. And what worked yesterday might not be what will work today or next week, or six months from now.
People grow and change.
As long as you’re trying and trying again, you’re not failing.
Last, a friend recently told me, “It feels hard because it is.” Truer words were never spoken.
Parenting feels hard because it is.
-Doula Kara
